Sep. 23rd, 2017 05:29 pm[personal profile] tam_i_am
tam_i_am: The words 'Tam I am' in dark purple on a lighter purple backbround (Default)
Went stupid in the head today after I ate lunch. Also amused some ladies by dancing with the force of my sarcasm as I described the improvements here at the Ashton apartment building.


Sep. 22nd, 2017 02:48 pm[personal profile] tam_i_am
tam_i_am: (what??)
This morning I had forgotten what water tasted like, to go by the shock of pleasant surprise that happened when I drank. These paint fumes are harsh.


Sep. 21st, 2017 02:10 pm[personal profile] tam_i_am
tam_i_am: (Oops)
I only remembered my chiropractor appointment when I got a call telling me it'd been cancelled.


Sep. 20th, 2017 11:58 am[personal profile] tam_i_am
tam_i_am: (W00t)
Ze laundry is drying.


Sep. 19th, 2017 11:38 am[personal profile] tam_i_am
tam_i_am: (what??)


Sep. 18th, 2017 05:51 pm[personal profile] tam_i_am
tam_i_am: (W00t)
Good organic, flavoured brown rice cakes make lovely sammich filling when the outsides are thick sliced roast beef. I had that for a second half to my lunch today. The first half, taken about an hour before, was hibiscus green tea, iced and with lots of tapioca bubbles.

It was so nice to be able to wear a necklace without it catching on anything.


Sep. 17th, 2017 01:57 pm[personal profile] tam_i_am
tam_i_am: (what??)
So, I can't take a shower all week because I'm not sure someone isn't going to want into the apartment. Decide that today I will take the shower, when no workmen will knock on the door! Jump in the shower and get ready to turn on the water.

And someone knocks on the door.


Sep. 16th, 2017 04:04 pm[personal profile] tam_i_am
tam_i_am: (W00t)
I think I said some stupid things today. Didn't mean to.

Also, one of the ladies brought a small bag of little balls of leftover yarn, and she's a lady who has talked to me about the braided and crochet dolls that I make. So I took the little ball of brown yarn and made her a curly hair braided doll with a tail, about a foot tall. I gave it to her as she was listening to the sermon ("here's some of your yarn back"), and I really expected her to regift it or something like that. Instead, she was carrying it around after church, commenting on the intricacy of construction, fiddling with it, and asking me what the doll's name is. And, after I told her that the name is the mom's job, planning to ask her daughter about names that some of their African born members in Ottawa have, because her doll is brown.


Sep. 15th, 2017 01:01 pm[personal profile] tam_i_am
tam_i_am: (W00t)
Got some handwriting work done this morning!


Sep. 14th, 2017 01:13 pm[personal profile] tam_i_am
tam_i_am: The words 'Tam I am' in dark purple on a lighter purple backbround (Default)
Got hold of Capital Housing.

The little round bandage left a red mark on my neck, so I've just left all bandages off on that area. The scars aren't bleeding or red. They're just little white dents on the skin. It's two of the ones on my chest that are still being divas. Ironically, the cherry angioma that isn't causing any trouble, and appears to be already all healed up. Those things are made of blood vessels, so I expected IT to cause the most trouble.


Sep. 13th, 2017 01:27 pm[personal profile] tam_i_am
tam_i_am: (what??)
Tried to call Capital Region Housing about the door buzzer not working, but they're closed on the second and third Wednesday of every month. I tried calling them yesterday, too, but the phone battery decided it needed charging before anyone picked up.

blood warning

Changed the dressings on the places where the moles had been, and the one on the left side of my lower chest started running blood the moment I took the bandage off. Gross. Also, those little round bandages that you get in some assortment boxes are perfect for smaller mole removal sites.
ofmonstrouswords: (thg: haymitch coffee)
Yesterday I ran a lot into something that’s physically painful for me to see: clappy hand emojis between words. It’s an internet trend to make what are considered important points this way, instead of the old-fashioned placing of a period between each word. (What. was. wrong. with. that?)

You’re probably wondering why/how it makes me sick. The best explanation I can come up with is that my visual processor is over-developed and hyper-competent after a lifetime of having to make up for my auditory disabilities — my hearing is fine, my brain has problems processing and parsing sounds — and so when I read things, I experience them more vividly than people without that disability do.

My lack of ability to properly parse things I hear means my visual processor makes up for it by making me hear things mentally really well when I read them. This is why shitty punctuation in a book drives me insane. I can’t just skim over it when reading; it’s integrally a part of what I’m experiencing. It tells me how to “hear” things in my mind, and if it’s wrong, it will fuck up my entire experience.

(This is also why I loathe the practice of 2 spaces after a period. It makes my brain grind to a halt when I’m reading something, because one space is a normal pause between sentences for me. Two spaces is the emergency brake.)

My experience seeing the clappy hand emojis between words is to feel as if I’m being slapped or punched in the face after every word. Reading a sentence written that way gives me a headache and makes me nauseated.

And to be honest, even if it didn’t cause me physical pain, I would find it the most annoying fucking thing on the planet. So either way, I’d be stoked if people could fucking stop doing it.

Anyway. Yesterday I saw like, 3 or 4 tweets using this method so I spent most of the day feeling headachey and sick to my stomach. One of them, however, is what inspired this post.

This was from an account I used to enjoy following, and from someone I thought was pretty cool. Not only did they use the clappy hands emoji thing that makes me sick, but they used it to repeat a really damaging belief: “you can’t love somebody until you love yourself.” (I’m pretty sure that’s what the tweet said exactly; I just went and double-checked as fast as I could before getting too sick. Am super nauseated right now anyway.)

This is a bullshit idea and I am so sick of hearing it repeated.

I have strong feelings about this.
Working on self-love is, of course, important, and something I encourage EVERYONE to do. But the phrasing of this idea, the way it’s always put forth, makes it a zero-sum game: you cannot love someone until you love yourself. Unsaid in that sentence: your whole self. You cannot love someone until you love yourself 100%.

This idea leads to a horrible self-repeating spiral of self-hate. That sentence also says that if you DO love someone when you don’t love yourself, it’s not enough. It’s not GOOD enough. Your love for your spouse or sister or daughter or son or best friend — it’s not enough, because you don’t love yourself first.

And because your love isn’t enough — because you don’t love yourself — you are obviously not worthy of that person. And if you’re not worthy of that person, then you are, of course, not worthy of THEIR love and thus unlovable.

How the fuck are you supposed to work on self-love if you keep getting told that the love you give isn’t good enough?

I’m a broken person. I’m damaged goods. I always will be; doesn’t mean I want to be treated like I am. You can glue something back together, but those cracks will always be visible.

Most days I absolutely hate myself. But you know who I love? Mr. Katje, my husband. I love him so much I can sometimes forget what an awful person I am. I love him so much I can forget that I hate myself.

And Mr. Katje loves me, and because he loves me, he helps me work on these things. He reminds me to eat, because I can’t love myself enough to do that. He reminds me to take my pills, because sometimes I cannot take that care of myself. His reminders build up, and become my reminders: I eat because Mr. Katje loves me, so I am worth loving, so I need to love myself. I take my pills because Mr. Katje loves me, so I am not an unlovable monster, so I need to take care of myself.

Through his love of me, I am slowly, very slowly discovering self-love. It is self-love based in the love of another person.

I suppose people who believe that self-love must be entirely self-generated, a virgin birth in your heart, would see that as unhealthy.

I believe humans are pack animals and we cannot exist alone. I believe relying on oneself to the exclusion of all else is unhealthy. I believe we need each other in the same way we need food, water, shelter.

So I do not see my building up my self-love based on the love others give me as unhealthy. I see it as human.

I know Mr. Katje struggles with self-love, too. I know he has doubts; I know he has that voice inside that tells him he’s not good enough, not smart enough, not strong enough for me. I know he feels he’s not a good enough husband for me, because he can’t support me like he wants to, because he’s been damaged by a lifetime of society shoving it down his throat that if he’s not earning big bucks, he’s not good enough.

(Kyriarchy damages men too.)

He is enough. He will always be enough, regardless our money situation, regardless what lies society screams at him. And if the love he gives is enough for me, then the love I give has to be enough for him.

It’s not fair to ask damaged people to put everything on hold while they try to figure out how to love themselves, and then to tell them that if they can’t figure that out, they don’t deserve to love anyone else.

It’s not fair to ask that of anyone.

Spend time cultivating self-love, as much as you can. But if you cannot get that to 100% — that’s okay. If all you can manage is 5% on a good day — that’s okay. The love you give is still worthy. The love you give is enough. The love you give is not subtracted from by the hate you feel for yourself. This is not algebra.

We may be brokenhearted, but we are enough, and whatever love we can pump out of those damaged organs is enough. It has to be, or humanity doesn’t stand a chance.

from WordPress via IFTTT


Sep. 12th, 2017 04:06 pm[personal profile] tam_i_am
tam_i_am: Me with a black T shirt tied on my head to look like a ninja mask (Ninja me)
I picked up the Cinderella novel today. There are twin princes in it, and one is named Raoul. He's an alright kid, for a Raoul.

I was going to shower, but now I have to wait till the guy comes to put the towel bar back up. Maybe I'll wait till tomorrow, since at least one of the mole sites is still bleeding a little.


Sep. 11th, 2017 04:33 pm[personal profile] tam_i_am
tam_i_am: The words 'Tam I am' in dark purple on a lighter purple backbround (Default)
Got five moles off today. Yay.


Sep. 10th, 2017 01:02 pm[personal profile] tam_i_am
tam_i_am: A green splotch with the words "Nerd Attack" in black (Nerd)
Geeking about the final evolution of a knuffel. The one named Den, who is Jelly Queen, finished evolving last night, and I really like her.


den_is_azysapphy: (Default)

November 2012

181920 21222324

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 24th, 2017 03:48 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios